Waiting in the darkness
by Rosirinoa
Summary: Anders thinks about the events that will happen at the end of the game and meditates about his feeling towards it and himself as a mage. His inner fight and angst is written here. It has a little bit of Hawke-Fenris relationship


_**I wrote this from Anders point of view, thinking of all the angst and guilt he would feel a couple days before blowing up the chantry. He is not my favorite character, but somehow I understand his reasons and inner conflict, so this idea came to my mind. I hope you like it, and review please! Spanish version will be available in a couple days.**_

Another morning starting anew, still wondering why I keep standing here in Kirkwall. It has been several years since I came here from Ferelden and I can't get out of my mind the thought of the situation between mages and templars getting worst every day, in fact it would seem like even the normal people are getting more scared of magic. Maker's breath, if only they could see the atrocities the Templars are doing! Justice inside me won't let me get the thought of the struggle out of my mind; not anymore.

In the past he would leave me alone, even for entire days, but with the years passing by, his voice and presence is pretty much always inside my head. I wonder if I could have done something to prevent him of showing up so much and gaining control of my body…and when I think about all of this, does it mean that I am accepting the fact of my own mind loosing itself to Justice?

My whole life I've been in conflict with myself. I appear to be functional and untroubled most of the time, but in reality I am nothing more than a poor man that feels guilty for being a mage, feeling regret for not accepting myself and coping with that by defending mages despite everything, making my own crusade against magic discrimination. It is only natural for me to think that more tolerance towards magic would be the solution. Probably a solution not far from impossible. And I know deep inside myself, in that buried part that Justice hasn't reached yet, that the answer to my problems is resignation.

Resignation to accept the things I cannot change and move on. I can't do that anymore. I've done far too much to change my fate, and not only mine. All the people that will suffer the consequences of my acts, one way of another, can never understand my reasons. And I can't blame it on Justice, since it is my fault too. Even if I don't know where he starts and where I do, I must be responsible for my acts and choices. I owe that much to myself.

But when I think of her…

Hawke, If only things would have been different. I wonder if anything in the present would have changed. Maybe I could have made better choices and act differently, after all when I first met her and spent time with her I was able to control Justice a little more. It was like she gave me strength… it still is. That's why Justice didn't approve my feelings for her, much less my attempts to be with her; to keep her by my side. But I'm justifying myself too much. The truth is, Justice's approval little had to do with my relationship with Hawke. Even that narrow-minded elf can't be classified as a reason for me not trying to get closer to her. I reckon my cowardice as a man and I accept the consequences of my omissions when the time was right to set things how I wanted.

I'm afraid all this analysis won't make things better or change anything. At this point, all the bridges are burnt. And it hurts me every time I see Hawke, walking around radiantly, looking at Fenris with those eyes…and him doing the same. It almost kills me. Now I think of myself as a monster because…well, who else would take advantage, or use the person who loves as a mean to achieve a semi-selfish goal. Ok, a selfish goal. I asked for her help to set those bombs in the chantry. I tricked her; abusing of her blind trust in me, which I don't deserve. And she didn't ask me what my plans were, she just gave me her support. I will take all the blame for what is going to happen to the chantry, even if that means my death. I only wish it were by her hands, if I can ask for anything…

Maybe I pity myself too much, like I always do. Maybe I'm in the shadows all the time and my efforts to reach the light were meaningless. I don't know other way of living after all. But one thing is for sure: the plan will continue as it is. I have to see it through the end, since it is part of my crusade to achieve the freedom of all the mages in Thedas. I wouldn't forgive myself I let all this happen to another mage, for I know very well how it feels to be conditioned to reject oneself and make all the wrong choices in the end. This last thought is all I need to keep in my mind when all the bad things happen. When the point of no return is reached, finally.


End file.
